The heart is the substance.

Sunday, June 7, 2009


It's the second night in a row I have been up at the wee hours of the morn thinking about surgery, life, endings, next steps, etc. I also tend to sing songs, which does not help with getting back to sleep. Tonight it's a combo of Galileo (Inidgo Girls) and Long Ride Home (Patty Griffin).

Let's just be clear, worry keeps me up at night.... literally. My pastor graciously told me the other day that he thinks it is nearly impossible not to worry. Worry is part of the human condition. We are bound to our thoughts more than we would like to realize. When I do realize how much my thoughts keep me still and often afraid, I am curious to see if I can change them. But I tell you, some of those thoughts are so hard to shift. As you may know, various types of cognitive therapies have been developed to help you change your thinking so you can in turn change your behavior. Hmm.

For those of you who do not know, I am in the garden state right now. The windows are open (not everyone has central air here) and it is very quiet, despite being so close to NYC. Tomorrow I will take a day trip to New York to see a friend. I am looking forward to riding a train for the first time in maybe 15 years and catching up with my friend.

On another random note... I still don't like the blog layout, which is why I have hesitated to advertise. Web design is not my forte, but my other efforts have turned out better than this... so I am hopeful.

I am reading Housekeeping by Marilyn Robinson. I am hoping to get to Gilead over the summer too. These are books that have been very popular around the Duke seminary culture and I am curious to see what it is all about (probably not the hokey pokey). The book is slow, but someone told me that is sort of the point- it makes you slow down and check out the details.

For the summer, I am checking out the details of life. I have stopped to smell the roses, although last week it felt like I was hit by a train. I am soaking up the feeling of laying in the grass and of sitting silently as the world moves. I am walking: up hills and on trails. And I am thinking alot, about life and how we never really know what is next.

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