The heart is the substance.

Friday, June 19, 2009

small window into my head (and i guess you can include my heart)

I have come to the conclusion that I am much better at blogging when I don't know that people are reading it. That is a little ridiculous considering the point is for people to read it.

Here's the latest...
I'm a little concerned about surgery right now. I will get okay for a couple of days and act like it is no big deal and if people look shocked when I tell them I brush it off and appear strong and like it's going to be and nothing bad will happen. There are also times when I think... If I have to have my chest opened up and have a huge scar down my middle I am not going to be a happy camper. I imagine waking up from surgery to find out that they couldn't repair the valve and that they had to put a new one in. Not only would that mean a huge ugly scar, but also mean that another surgery was undoubtedly in my future.

Don't get me wrong, over the last few weeks I have actually been a pretty positive person. I have been very confident that all of this was going to be fine. My housing situation worked out so I didn't have to move, I got a job, and I get to have one of the best surgeons in the world work on me. Things really fell into place and I know it was God's work. I have no doubt that God is going to sustain me.

So, I go between fearlessness and anxiety. Many of you know that I have a bit of an obsession with courage, and I hope I am learning it. There is a temptation to be wreckless- to go sky-diving, eat poorly, not care, be selfish, etc... because well... if I die, I'd like to have a few last hoorah's. There is a temptation to be timid- to lay in bed, to wallow in sorrow, to feel sorry for myself, to be jealous, to be stuck, to hate life... because well... what does it matter anyway, life is fleeting and pointless. So, courage is that place in the middle that I am trying to live. To be courageous enough to live and yet vulnerable enough to admit my fears.


My mother sent me a bracelet for my birthday with a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote on it, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." I thought that was really cool, and although I won't be able to wear it to surgery, I feel like it might be a good theme for me to hold onto right now. It's easier to be grateful for the present right now.

Transcendentalism has also always interested me. I was actually reading a short story by Louisa May Alcott this week that speaks to an attempt to create a Utopian community resting upon transcendentalist ideals... and it didn't work.

I like when things in life overlap or one idea is referenced in another area of life where you least expect it. (i.e. picking up a book and reading a short story about transcendentalism AND getting a bracelet in the mail from my mother with a quote from a transcendentalist). I particularly appreciate this phenomenon when it is written- almost like you stumbled upon something you were seemingly meant to read. It had been in that book the whole time on your shelf, but at that moment, you read it and it had meaning to you when it might not have had meaning if you read it another time. Timing is everything.


I saw the movie Elizabethtown last night. I thought I was going to be watching a romantic comedy. I was wrong. It is a story of grief. It was one of those movies that I would surely have liked at any other moment, but since the death of my grandmother, the death stuff is a little close right now. It is a rich movie though, if you can stand it.


My friend is reading a book about death called Stiff. It is very clever and funny, for those of you who think death is interested (I'm speaking to all you chaplains out there). It is irreverant at moments, but I'm okay with laughing about death. I hope to read the whole thing at some point. It also contains lots of interesting historical facts.


So God, are you preparing me for something or is all of it just coincidental??

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